Things I find humorous…

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.  Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. 

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.  We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD!”  

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he’d step onto his front porch after her and yell: “THERE IS NO LORD!”

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!”   

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.   

“PRAISE THE LORD!” she cried out. “HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!”

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
“THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!”

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!”   

A cop was on his horse when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. ”Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to  you?” 

“Yep,” the little girl said. 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, “Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.” 

The young girl  looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you have sir. Did Santa bring it to  you?” 

“Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at  the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not  on top.”

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

‘What’s that big brass gong?’ one of the guests asked.
‘It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,’ the drunk replied.
‘A talking clock? Seriously?’ asked his astonished friend.
‘Yup,’ replied the drunk.
‘How’s it work?’ the friend asked, squinting at it.
‘Watch,’ the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a  moment…….
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, ‘You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!’

An Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

“I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over  to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according  to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”

—————————-
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

          —————————— ——————
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead.  Could ye’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor crayture?”

Father  Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal  in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ye’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service, do ye’?”

Father  Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

           —————————— ———-
Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is.”

“This is the IRS. Can  you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He  is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

———————————–
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m 92 years old. I’m telling everybody!”

I just got this email and thought I’d share it with everyone. 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells …’ My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab,’  I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the  lady’s dress and began to take off her under- wear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’. . . I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one ?’. .. I asked. ‘The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted b y Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she

answered . . . ‘Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’So how’s your breakfast this morning?’  ‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can’t seem to get used to the taste.’. . . Bob replied.   I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ….It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read. ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said…..’Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.  The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. .’ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’   She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .’No doctor, but the song you were whistling was.’ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’ ‘
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name