Things I find humorous…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
  
 And that’s when the fight started…..
 
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 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
 He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
 ’Nah, she can order for herself.’
  
 And that’s when the fight started…..
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  I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
 You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
 Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
 So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
  
 And that’s when the fight started…..

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
  
 And that’s when the fight started…..
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
 My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
 ’Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
  ’My God!’ says my wife. ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
  
 And that’s when the fight started…..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. ‘  I bought her a scale.
 And that’s when the fight started…..
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 I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
 It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
 ’Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
 So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
  
 And that’s when the fight started….  

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 My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
 ’No,’ she answered.
  I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
 She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
 So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
  
 And that’s when the fight started…..

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
 The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
 When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”  I replied “Dust.”
 And that’s when the fight started…..

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
 
 The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
 And that’s when the fight started…..

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’……
  
 And that’s when the fight started…..

Cup of Tea:

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as
a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know), “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone.  As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ‘I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.’ I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker; naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.’

Priceless.

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. “No way! No needles! I hate needles,” the patient said.

“It doesn’t,” said the Dentist, “but it will give you something to Hold onto
when I pull your tooth….”

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had

missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,

 when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.